


What is Your Purpose, Now?

by DannyisDone



Series: Sanders Sides Oneshots [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Dark Sides-Centric (Sanders Sides), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Kid Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Kid Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Kid Fic, Not in like the worst way, Parent Deceit | Janus Sanders, Parent Logic | Logan Sanders, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Unsympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, but he is a bit harsh and uncaring, if i need to tag more things please let me know!, most of it is subtle, some of it is very explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:41:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27962456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DannyisDone/pseuds/DannyisDone
Summary: When Remus comes crying to Janus, telling him that he's been having 'Bad Thoughts', Janus is determined to help his family by learning what is wrong. He seeks out the help of Logan, despite the three of them being outcastes by the Light's. They learn that Remus is no longer Thomas's Creativity, Janus discovers a new horrifying power, and Virgil's own function seems to make things worse. How is their family supposed to take care of each other, when they only seem to hurt each other further?+++I sucK at descriptions!Warnings: Crying, intrusive thoughts, a bit of self harm (Specifically hair pulling), a lot of religious references, questioning of one's religion, Unsympathetic Logan (it wasn't meant to be like that, but it can be read that way, and I want people to take caution when they read),  If others are needed please let me know!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides Oneshots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145834
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this has been p a i n f u l, mostly because I am not super happy with it! And it's not even finished! But the idea occurred to me and would not leave me alone so I have been slogging through getting it written. It's not done yet, but I wanted to post some of what I have written just to see if it builds in me the motivations to continue! This is very angsty, in my opinion anyways, so please take care while reading!
> 
> Also, I don't like where the chapter break is, and I may come back and make this all one work in the future. It wasn't really written with chapters in mind.

“Dee!”

The cry of his name made Janus whip around, looking for the source. He was alone in the kitchen, preparing dinner for himself and his fellow hidden sides. Virgil and Remus had been put down for a nap about two hours ago, and Janus had enjoyed the peace and quiet. Though he cared for his family, it was always nice to enjoy some time to himself, especially considering how much attention those two needed. They were younger than him, which had never made much sense considering they were all the sides of the same person. Though placing a number on how old they are felt useless when their age seemed so subjective, Janus suspected he himself was around 20, a far cry from Thomas’s own 8 years. He supposed it was just because of his role, the being of deception and self preservation ought to reflect a protector, and who better represents a protector to a child than an adult? 

That very same sense of protection meant for Thomas, though, was now sounding off in Janus’ mind, letting him know something was very wrong with the boy who was now running into the kitchen, gripping his hair with tears streaking down his face. 

Remus’s age seemed to be more a reflection of Thomas, somewhere between 6-9. It tended to fluctuate, particularly because Remus was so prone to changing himself. Some days Janus would wake up and the boy would have shapeshifted himself taller or shorter, fatter or thinner, Whatever he saw fit to reflect his internal feelings about himself that day, and sometimes just to spite the very idea that he had to stay the same. Janus had grown used to it by now, which was why when he bent down and was suddenly scooping up a near screaming 6 year old, Janus made no comment about his appearance. It was hardly the first thing on his mind anyways. 

“Remus, what’s wrong?” He asked, gently bouncing the boy in his arms, trying to get him to calm down. He was near hysterics, and that had Janus terribly worried. He’d never seen such a reaction from the boy, even when he got hurt in the imagination. He quickly did a look over Remus, making sure he wasn’t extremely injured, but there wasn’t a mark on him, not even a bruise. He set him on the counter when he realized he couldn’t console his tears with a hug. Remus still gripped his hair tightly, pulling on it just a bit. His eyes were squeezed shut, but it didn’t stop the onslaught of tears. 

“M-My head!” Remus screamed. “It hurts, it hurts! I-I can’t make the thoughts stop!” The boy pulled at his hair harder, as if trying to pull whatever thoughts he was having out through it. Janus had to gently pull his hands away from his head, afraid that his grip might actually cause him to start pulling the hair from his scalp. Remus did not seem to appreciate the move though, yanking his small arms in Janus's hold. 

“I-I don’t want it Dee, make it stop!” He cried, though his body violently tried to wiggle away from the man, as if protesting the very idea of being comforted by the paternal side. Janus held his wrists just a bit tighter to try and stop Remus from hurting himself further. 

“What thoughts?” Janus asked, worry soaking his tone like a storm. He let go of one of Remus’s hands to place it against his forehead, feeling for a fever. The boy was very cold though, making the snake-like side recoil his hand as if he had been burnt, the sudden coolness sending a shiver down his spine. Remus seemed to pick up on the reaction and cried harder, his freed hand going right back into his hair. 

“B-Bad thoughts!” He wailed. “I-I don’t want them! I don’t I don’t I don’t!” Janus guided the boy’s hand away from his hair again, a deep frown worn on his face. He wasn’t sure what the other meant by ‘bad thoughts’. As a side, he was created to represent a different type of creativity from his twin, though no one had ever been quite sure in what way he was different. Growing up they seemed to basically be the same. They were both dramatic, both had a special interest in music and dance, both helped Thomas come up with ideas and controlled his desires. But they had been separated for a reason, though that reason was still not clear. Why would one twin be casted off to the ‘Dark Side’ with himself and Virgil, away from the life he had known? No one seemed to have the answers Janus’s so desperately sought out. All he could know was what he could see, and one day he had woken up to see a new door was with them in the subconscious, held within a very shaken and upset Remus, wondering where his brother and friends were. It had been an emotional ride for all of them, and it was still never made clear why he was banished and casted aside. Janus began to wonder if maybe he was finally about to receive those answers he had stopped searching for years ago, and he didn’t like where it was going. 

“Can you tell me what you are thinking, sweetheart?” He asked, but Remus immediately began to shake his head. 

“No! No they are bad, I don’t want to tell!” The boy said, seeming to curl in on himself, as if trying to hide away. Janus’s resolve was breaking. It was so hard seeing Remus like this. This was something he was more familiar with in Virgil, breaking down into fitful tears and needing comforting. Janus had spent nights with the boy, slowly rocking him and telling him lies that things were going to be okay. Remus was usually always so happy and carefree, seeing him like this was breaking Janus’s heart. Particularly because the boy seemed inconsolable. He decided to pick the other back up, lifting him into his arms and cradling his head, coaxing him to rest it. Remus did so, hiding away in Janus’s neck, still crying loudly. 

“Darling, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.” He explained, suppressing the urge to lie, knowing that it would probably only confuse the other in his current state. It was a real effort on Janus’s part to prevent himself from lying, but he was getting better at it. He began to lightly rock the boy, which did seem to finally get him to calm down just a bit. He gripped onto Janus’s shirt with a fierceness that demanded not to be put down. 

“What if we went to the Light Side and burnt their house down?” Was the words that fell from Remus’s mouth, but he immediately began to start shaking, as if he couldn’t believe what he had just said. Janus certainly couldn’t believe it, but didn’t say anything just yet, waiting to hear if Remus had a reason for why those thoughts were bubbling in his mind. But the child offered no explanations, he had none. Everything that came out of his mouth was suddenly a new thought popping into his mind that he could not control or censor. 

“Thomas should feed his puppy his homework so that he doesn’t have to do it, even if the puppy gets sick and dies. Do you think Virgil could bite his fingernails so much that they are nothing but bloody stubs? What if I went to my room and never came out again and starved to death? You could leave my corpse in there if I do, it would be a funny prank---” Janus had to stop his gentle rocking and lean against the counter as he listened to the complex and deplorable things being said from Remus, trying to take in everything that the boy was saying. He had his own tears in his eyes, trying to reason out why this boy, this child, would be having such dark thoughts. Was this Remus's real role? Was he doomed to be cursed with these thoughts forever? No. No, that couldn’t be real. Certainly God would not force Thomas, and in turn Remus, to have to bear these things. It seemed too cruel, but then again, Janus was well versed in cruelty, he knew it first hand. Even still, he hoped it wasn’t real. And he knew one person who could help them figure it out. 

“Remus, we should go see Logan. I am sure he can you.” He hoped his voice was soothing, because he felt no real confidence in his plan. He didn’t know if Logan would be able to disprove any of the terrible conclusions Janus was coming to himself, but he certainly had to try. Remus seemed to loathe this idea.

“No! No you can make it better, you make it better always!” Remus cried, lifting himself off Janus’s shoulder, and Janus could feel his own tears slip down his face. This child had so much faith in him, but he had no idea what to do, where to even begin. He shook his head though, he needed to pull himself together. Remus was hurting enough, he didn’t need to worry him by letting him know how useless he was currently feeling. Janus summoned another set of arms and wiped at Remus’ tears as well as his own. 

“He can tell me what to do. I promise we won’t stay long.” He assured, before carrying Remus towards the bedrooms. He would have to bring Virgil, of course, he didn’t want to leave him alone. The thought of him waking up by himself and having no idea where anyone was... Janus wouldn’t allow that. Remus at least seemed to be more agreeable to the idea of seeing Logan, if only for the briefest time. Janus knocked lightly on Virgil’s door. 

“What if he died while we were in the kitchen, and all we find are his bones.” Remus mumbled into Janus’s neck, followed up immediately by, “I’m sorry, I can’t make them stop.” All Janus could do was hold the boy closer, even as he began to fuss a bit. Remus’s hands were in his hair again, lightly pulling. 

When the door finally opened, a very sleepy Virgil looked up at the two. He was the same age as Thomas, and seemed to age alongside their host. He rubbed one of his eyes, before a small smile appeared on his face. 

“Hi Dee, hi Duke.” He said, still yet to notice the state that the two were in, barely awake from his nap. However, his thoughts began to clear when he heard Remus sniffling, and then all at once, he could feel the anxiety radiating off of Janus. Virgil’s eyes grew wide as he scanned over the two , searching for a sign that something wasn’t right. He gripped his shirt tightly above his chest, as if trying to protect his own heart from feeling the sensation. 

“W-what’s wrong?” He asked. When Janus held out his free hand to Virgil, he didn’t hesitate to take it. He stared up at the surrogate parental figure, worry laced with immediate trust in his eyes. Whatever was wrong, Janus was going to take care of it. That’s what he always did. 

“Somethings wrong with Remus, we’re gonna go see Logan and find out what.” Janus explained. He half expected to hear some sort of protests or complaints from the Virgil, neither of them ever really wanting to see the other sides. Virgil was down here because he was deemed ‘harmful’, though by who it was unclear. There didn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason as to why they were all separated, it didn’t seem like the other sides had made that decision, though it had an obvious effect on how he and his fellow ‘Dark’ sides were treated. They were often considered outcasts and told not to interfere with Thomas, as if they didn’t have merits of their own. It was frustrating, but Janus was managing it. Plus, it was their loss, really. Virgil and Remus were amazing kids, if the others didn’t take the time to know them, then Janus could only consider that as a win for himself. 

However, when neither of them said anything, apparently both in agreement, Janus nodded and helped them all appear suddenly in front of Logan’s door. They didn’t do the whole ‘rising’ thing that the others did. It was much too nauseating for Virgil, and Remus had a tendency to end up in places he did not mean to be. Janus did a quick look around to see if anyone had noticed them, before he suddenly shivered. The Light Side’s home was so cold compared to their warm little sanctuary below. Again, no real reason why, other than perhaps to further reinforce their differences. Janus could tell both boys were cold too. With a snap, everyone had something a bit warmer on. Virgil sported a black zip up jacket, Remus in a long sleeved shirt, and Janus in a wrap around shawl that looked more like a cape than anything else. 

With his boys warm and the fear of being seen leaving him, Janus hesitantly knocked on Logan’s door. 

Logan fell in the same category of ‘Being older than Thomas’ as Janus did, and was also in charge of looking after his own little boys. Janus had once hoped that they could form a sort of comradery at the similarity of their situations, but it seemed even Logan was wary of whatever sins they had committed to end up in the subconscious. Though he was never outwardly rude or hostile to the three, it was clear their presence (As rare as it was) disturbed him. When Logan opened the door and saw the state of the three unwanteds, a deep frown was set upon his face, a hint of irritation in his eyes. 

“I don’t suppose you have any idea why Roman has been acting quite strangely today?” Logan asked, addressing Janus. Janus’s own face widened in surprise, not having thought about the other creativity in all this. He supposed it made sense that Roman would be having issues as well, considering they were so closely linked. And with that, he was slightly comforted at the thought that both twins were having issues, perhaps his earlier fears that Remus was somehow changing were just that, unwarranted fears. 

“Is he having bad thoughts too?” The boy in Janus’s arms asked, daring to peek up at Logan. The man furrowed his brow at that, before shaking his head. 

“No, he’s just been more eccentric as of late.” He explained. Roman had been surging with energy the past few days, unable to stop himself from starting new project after new project. Thomas himself had colored so many new pictures for his parents that their fridge was comparable to an art museum. Logan had suspected that his power was growing stronger, he was even aging up quicker than Thomas, the boy now somewhere between 10-12. Logan’s inquisitive stare was now looking over the twin in Janus’s arms, his eyes narrowing just a bit, a thought occurring to him as he took in the state of the boy. Smaller than he last remembered, and looking rather weak. 

“Are you having bad thoughts?” Logan asked, though he already assumed the answer, why bring it up if it weren’t the truth? Janus noticed the line of questioning, and was quick to hold Remus closer, protectively. Logan took note of this, and held his arms up, hoping to placate his worries.

“I am merely gathering facts here.” He explained before stepping out of the doorway, offering his room to the three. They all looked at each other hesitantly, but when Janus gave a small nod, they all walked. Virgil held tightly to Janus’s hand, and Remus seemed to match that fear, his grip on Janus’s cape making his knuckles white. At least he wasn’t screaming anymore, that probably would have made the whole situation worse. All three of them were placed in the middle of the room, awkward in the sense that they knew they didn’t belong here. Logan shut the door and walked over, inviting Janus to place Remus on the bed. Janus instead sat on the bed, placing the boy in his lap so that they wouldn’t have to let go of each other. Virgil crawled up afterwards, keeping himself close to Janus’s side. Logan, upon seeing them settled, immediately got to work looking Remus over.

“Please, tell me what kind of thoughts you’ve been having.” Logan thought it a simple enough question, but Remus immediately shook his head no, trying to squirm away from Logan’s gazing eyes, feeling like they were piercing through his skin and bones to look directly at his soul. With Remus refusing to comply, Logan turned those eyes towards Janus, expecting him to speak for the boy.

Janus, sensing this, spoke up, though it would be a lie to say he didn’t also feel uncomfortable with the way Logan seemed to peer into him. “The things he was saying earlier were rather...Dark…” Janus explained, his eyes flitting towards Virgil for just a moment, hoping Logan would understand why he didn’t want to repeat what Remus had told him. Logan nodded, before pressing a warm hand to Remus’s cold forehead. It wasn’t a fever, but what was illness to metaphysical beings anyways? Remus seemed calmed by the touch though, in a strange way, leaning into it just a bit. Logan took note of this, adding it to the growing list of indicators towards what was happening. 

“I see, and have you evaluated how those thoughts might be affecting Thomas?” He asked, his eyes flicking back up to Janus, who immediately flushed. No, he hadn’t. Thomas was far from his mind, if he was to be honest. He was much more concerned with the safety of the boy in his lap, which was rather unheard of. Janus's number one job was to protect Thomas, and he hadn't even thought about him once. He could swear he felt the disappointment radiating off of Logan for failing his job. He sighed, before closing his eyes. He supposed now would be as good as time as any to see how his host was doing. 

When he peered into the "real world", Thomas was sitting at the dinner table, eating happily with his family. He was making a joke about something that had happened at school that day, as well as bragging about how his teacher had left him in charge while she went to go make some copies. Roman’s influence was all over Thomas's behavior, from his exaggerated hand movements down to the very way his eyes seem to gleam. It seemed Remus’s' breakdown was far from harming Thomas, he was doing great. When Janus opened his eyes again, Logan was still staring at him intensely, waiting for a response. 

“Thomas seems fine.” Was all Janus could manage to say under the interrogative gaze. But if Thomas was fine, did it mean he could no longer feel Remus’s influence? That was just as fear-inducing of a conclusion than all the other one’s seem to be. If their host no longer needed Remus, what would become of him? Could Sides vanish? Be killed? Remus was just a child, and he’d done nothing wrong. How could that be fair? Janus felt his eyes water again, only this time he couldn’t hide them away. Logan, for what it’s worth, ignored the emotional outburst, but mostly because he didn’t understand why it was happening. He stood up straighter and looked away, allowing Janus the dignity to try and wipe the offending tears away. Virgil, on the other hand, was not quite as considerate. 

“Don’t cry.” He said, squeezing Janus’s hand. “It’s gonna be okay.” He was parroting the same words Janus had used to console him so often. But those had been lies, or in the very least they were unfulfilled truths. Janus didn’t know that things would be okay, and often rather suspected that they wouldn’t be. But what else are you supposed to say to a child? Janus wasn’t yet so cynical that he would be so honest about the reality of the world: That despite how good you are, or how faithful you are, the world will not treat you kindly. Janus took more comfort in Virgil trying to ease him then he ever would in the idea that things would be okay. He squeezed Virgil’s hand back and nodded, before looking back at Logan, a new determination in him that dried up his tears. Janus could not promise that the world would treat them kindly, but he could do what he can to make sure that these boys, his boys, were taken care of. 

“Do you know what’s happening with Remus?” He asked Logan, a fierceness in his own eyes now that seemed to flip the scenario, leaving Logan feeling uneasy and uncertain. He cleared his throat, before offering a bit of a nod. 

“I have a suspicion,” Logan said, tapping his chin lightly. “I am willing to share it with you. But it may be best that we discuss it in private.”

“No.” Janus said, quick to answer. “Anything involving Remus involves all of us.” He said, holding his family just a bit closer. Virgil and Remus shared a look, both being able to sense something had changed in Janus that they couldn’t quite understand. 

“I don’t think it wise to discuss this in front of children.” Logan said, his voice a bit lower, trying to get across that he’d rather share his thoughts about the situation with Janus before involving the boys, predicting that his theory would only be sending them into worried fits or anxiety. But when Janus held firm, Logan simply allowed it. There was no point trying to judge the mind of a mule. 

“Alright, fine. I believe that Remus’s function has changed. I do not believe he serves as Thomas’s creativity, at least not in the way that he was.” He paused just a moment to see that they were all following. Of course, the children seemed to not understand. Remus was staring at him with fearful eyes, probably wondering what he might be if he was no longer creativity. It was Janus who seemed the most tense though, his hold on Remus growing tighter, as if trying to shield him from Logan’s words despite the fact he had been the one to insist on having the conversation. Logan sighed, before continuing. 

“Roman’s power grew stronger as of late, I suspect this is because he took the full responsibility of being Thomas’s Creative Side. I wouldn’t have come to that conclusion on my own, but seeing the state Remus is in, I believe it to be likely.” He went on. “You said that Remus has been having dark thoughts, but they seem to be having no effect on Thomas. That leads me to believe that Remus either serves no function at all, or he’s not being utilized properly. Though, if his thoughts are dark, perhaps he shouldn’t be utilized at all.” It was harsh, and Logan admittedly didn’t mean for it to be that way, he was simply sharing what he was observing. But the way Remus now seemed to tense up, Logan almost wished he would have worded it a bit kinder, though how does one word ‘Maybe he shouldn’t be around at all’ nicely?

“I don’t understand.” Remus whimpered in a way that let them know he understood very well. He understood exactly what Logan was implying, that he was now useless. He could feel all the thoughts rushing back into his head, swarming in his small brain and eating away at all other thoughts. His breathing hitched, and he seemed close to another meltdown. Janus went to soothe him, but Remus pushed himself away, off of Janus’s lap and onto the floor. 

“W-what’s gonna happen to me? Am I gonna disappear? Am I gonna catch on fire and burn all away? Do you think all my flesh will fall off or will I turn to dust and float away? What if I just fall over all of sudden, dead. Would you find the body? What if you never found me and my body turned all green and yellow and rotted away--” 

Janus was quick to pick the boy back up, holding him tightly. He needed to fix this. Remus couldn’t be thinking these things, he was far too young! Who saw fit to curse a baby like this? He tried to pet his hair, hold his hands, kiss his forehead, nothing seemed to make any of this better. Janus felt helpless, and he could hear Virgil beside him, crying. He was pulling on Janus’s sleeve, trying to get his attention, but Janus needed to get Remus to stop talking. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to will the boy to close his mouth and stay silent--

And then the words stopped, all at once.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus learns a new power, they finally see Remus's new influence on Thomas, and Virgil learns that it's all because of him. What is this broken family supposed to do now, as their world seems to change more and more...
> 
> +++
> 
> Warnings: Crying, a bit of unsympathetic Logan, Remus says some kind of graphic stuff, let me know if I need any more!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loathed writing this and the ending is garbage but I like the themes so hopefully one day when my brain is not mush I can actually do something with the story I set up here <3

It took Janus a moment to realize what had happened. He was only pulled away from his own thoughts when he realized that all he could hear was Virgil’s wails. He pulled back slightly, to see what had finally made Remus stop. Remus’s hand was placed over his mouth, keeping his words at bay, but his eyes were wide with terror. It was a second of confusion, before a wave of horror overcame him as he watched Remus try to pull the hand away, and he found he could not. 

“Janus, did you do that?”

Logan’s tone was accusatory, and it made Janus shake with fear. Had he done that? Had he somehow physically forced Remus to be quiet? What kind of guardian was he? He set Remus down and took a step back before waving a dismissive hand, hoping beyond hope that this was something else, that Janus hadn’t just done that. 

Remus was finally able to move his hand away, and suddenly his screaming returned. His hands found their place back in his hair, pulling at it roughly. Janus could only look on in fear, before looking at Logan with pleading eyes. Janus looked 20, but he suddenly felt like a pathetic child, begging silently for Logan to fix this. Logan just stared back, for what was he to do?

All at once, things seemed to fall further and further apart. Remus was screaming, Virgil was about to go into a panic attack, Janus was spiralling, and it suddenly became clear to all four of them that something was happening with Thomas. 

Thomas was staring down at his plate, a look of confusion and worry on his face, before he looked up at his mom. “Mom, do you think dying by fire would be worse than drowning?” He suddenly said, but as soon as he asked the question he immediately felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure why he was thinking about that. 

Logan had never had to deal with such intense emotions as this. His boys were emotional, sure, but they were quite surface level. It made Logan very uncomfortable, watching the people in his room fall apart like this. Perhaps this is why the three were left to their own devices, they seemed to bring trouble wherever they went. Quietly, Logan brought his hand back to Remus’s head, petting the boy’s hair softly, though without much affection. It seemed to have the immediate effect that Logan had suspected. Remus’s screams became whimpers, and suddenly he was clinging to Logan’s hand, refusing to let it leave his head. Logic seemed to soothe the ‘Bad Thoughts’ in Remus’s brain. That was one child placated. 

Logan then turned his attention to Virgil, who had pulled his feet up on the bed and was rocking, his head whipping between staring at Remus with an unsureness that he’d never felt before, and Janus, with a look that almost gave way to betrayal, because why wasn’t he fixing this? Why had he done that to Remus? In fact, why had Remus said all those things? Does he want those things? Does Thomas want those things? Virgil took in a staggering breath, clearly struggling to breathe. Wordlessly, Logan reached over and placed a hand on his head as well. Virgil almost jerked away at the sudden movement, but once Logan’s warm hand was stroking his hair, and he was quietly whispering reminders to breathe, Virgil found himself complying, though he wasn’t totally sure why. 

Two down, one to go. 

The two adults in the room met eyes. Janus was only beginning to process how well Logan had handled the situation, while he had managed to break down. It was like an act of defiance against his very nature to fall apart, but God damn it, why was this so unfair? Remus was suffering and Janus had hurt him rather than helped him. He hadn’t even managed to get around to comforting Virgil, and Logan calmed both of his boys with a simple hand. He almost felt jealous, but mostly he felt a burning sense of relief that made him guilty. Logan was so much better at this than him. He let his head fall, shame and disappointment overwhelming him all at once. He sat back on the bed. 

“That was…a lot.” Logan said, before taking back both of hands, using them to straighten his tie. Virgil was quick to move over to Janus, but Remus hesitated. He looked down at the hand that had forced him silent. No one seemed to want to speak, afraid of what they might say or do next if they did. Logan, unable to offer any comfort of his own to the three, decided he still needed to share his findings, if for no other reason than to get them out of here quicker to deal with this on their own. 

“Thomas seemed to respond very poorly to Remus’s thoughts, though he only responded during Virgil’s panic. Whatever purpose Remus now serves, it only seems to affect Thomas because Virgil is afraid.” Logan explained. Still, no one spoke up, guilt coursing through each one of them as they considered everything they had learned while they were here. Remus was no longer Thomas’s Creativity, he was something darker, but his own influence could not be felt by their host unless Virgil was afraid, and Virgil was clearly affected by Remus’s words. And Janus, some protector he was. In a moment of weakness he had physically silenced Remus, rather than doing anything to actually help him. 

Why was this happening to them? Why was this fair? Janus wanted to feel anger with Logan, to direct it at the person who was opening their eyes to this reality, but that wasn’t the case. This wasn’t Logan’s fault, clearly. Logan had done nothing but been helpful. Still, as Janus stood, his eyes were glassy and unfocused. Virgil was quick to follow suit, standing next to his guardian. Remus, finally seeming to recover from his moment's hesitation, quickly moved to Janus’s side as well, though he kept his distance just a bit, wary of the new power Janus seemed to wield. The side of deception looked down at both boys, before looking back up at Logan. 

“Maybe...Maybe they should stay with you.” He suggested, hardly thinking about his words, just knowing those were the sentiments he was truly feeling. He was immediately met with protests from either side of him, but he ignored the cries. They were children, they didn’t know what was best for them. Janus thought he knew what was best for them, but he wasn’t even able to protect him from himself. Logan seemed to do a much better job, he knew how to ease their fears and their thoughts, he was able to figure out what was wrong with Remus just from observation, and he still had the clear sightedness to consider Thomas when turmoil was happening. Janus couldn’t manage to do any of that. Surly, these kids were better off with someone as capable as him. 

“Absolutely not.” Logan said, his voice firm. Janus stared back in bewilderment. 

“You’re clearly better at this than me!” He argued back, ignoring the way Virgil was suddenly clinging to him, and how Remus was muttering under his breath all the horrible things that would happen if he were to stay on the Light Side.

“They aren’t my responsibility, they are yours.” Logan reasoned, and he was just about done with their presence as it were. Now that they knew what was going on, they would have to figure out a way to deal with it on their own. Logan certainly didn’t have the time to take care of two other children, especially ones as needy as these ones seemed to be. Not that he wasn’t sympathetic, of course. He could theoretically understand that emotional drain it must be to know your purpose is detrimental to your host. But even still, it wasn’t his burden to carry, it was theirs. 

“Well, who decided that? Who decided any of this?” Janus yelled, fists forming at his side as a wave of emotion overcame him, threatening to swallow him whole. “Who decided that Remus should have to deal with these thoughts? Who decided that Virgil should be Anxiety? Who determined that we are the bad guys?” They were unfair questions, one that Logan nor anyone could ever really answer to satisfaction. Logan merely shrugged, unbothered or uncaring of the emotional outburst. 

“Would knowing the answer change anything?” Logan asked, and it served as the dismissal he intended it to be. Janus deflated, before taking hold of Virgil and Remus’s shoulder, the first time he had decided to fully acknowledge the two since putting Remus down. Without another word, he sunk them all out, back into the warmth of the Dark Side’s living room that suddenly felt almost too hot to bare. Once they were back, Janus let his hands fall from their shoulders, and began back towards the kitchen, not speaking. 

Virgil was the first to recover from the sudden change of scenery and lack of response. He spared a look at Remus, who seemed a bit dazed, as if he was still trying to figure out where he was. Virgil almost reached out for him, and then thought better, unsure how he suddenly felt about Remus and his new purpose, or the fact that Virgil had such a heavy influence on it. 

He didn’t know how to feel about Remus, but he sure as hell knew how he felt about Janus. 

“What was that?” The boy practically screeched, abandoning Remus in the living room to chase after Janus, who seemed to be working through the motions of continuing the dinner he had abandoned, which seemed like forever ago at this point. Janus looked over at Virgil, his eyes unsure. 

“We got our answer. What more is there to do?” Janus asked, and Virgil could feel anger rising in him.

“You tried to leave us with him!” Virgil yelled, since that was the thing that seemed to stick out most in the young boy’s mind. “You were gonna leave us with him! Why?” He demanded to know. Remus was now walking in the kitchen, his eyes much clearer, seeming to be picking up on the anger Virgil was feeling. He felt it too, of course. 

“Don’t you like us anymore? You gonna leave us on the side of a highway in a box? Or put our bodies in bags and throw us in a river like newborn kittens? You want to rip our vocal cords out and make sure we never talk again?” The two other people standing in the kitchen stared at Remus in slight horror, and if they thought to check in on Thomas, they wouldn’t be surprised to see him grimacing at the thoughts now in his head, unable to determine where they were coming from. 

“No..no I wouldn’t…I don’t…” Janus sighed, before sinking to the ground. The two boys, despite Virgil’s wariness of Remus and Remus’s wariness of Janus, shared concerned looks before rushing over, checking to make sure the other was okay. Because after all, they were still family. They still cared for one another. Janus sat with his head hung low, unable to meet the gazes of his boys. How could he? He was a failure of a caretaker. He didn’t know how to help them, didn’t know how to take their pain away, and now they were afraid he was going to abandon them. 

“I’m sorry.” He choked out when he felt them hug each of his sides. He wished he was stronger. Wished he was made better, that his purpose was more clear. Wished he could do anything to make their lives easier, God knows they deserved it. Or maybe God didn’t know. Maybe God wasn’t paying attention at all. 

They stay like that for a while, huddled on the floor holding each other. It doesn’t feel like a resolution of any sorts. Remus still whispers under his breath the thoughts he wished he didn’t have to bare, Virgil still shudders whenever he hears them, and clings closer to Janus just a bit more. And Janus still hides his hands away, afraid of what they might do if he doesn’t keep a close eye on them. But they are home, and now they know there’s things they have to work on if they want to stay together, want to fight to make their own little hellworld just a bit more bearable. It isn’t a resolution, it’s the start of change.


End file.
